Tonight I confronted my demon head-on. It was not hard. I was resolved to do it and knew it had to be done. I was just waiting for the right moment. That moment came tonight with yet another assault on my sanity.

I laid it all out for the demon. Told it I was done and wasn't going to take it anymore. I was prepared for the response and apologies that were coming. The demon is powerful, but not terribly original. The counter-attack usually has an impact on me, leaving me feeling like I've done something wrong and I'm to blame. I'm misreading things. I'm not being cooperative in order to allow the demon to change. I've just plain got it all wrong.

Well not tonight. I informed the demon that I wasn't wrong, because this was the way I was feeling and that was very real, regardless of how it happened. I wasn't interested in explanations or stories or excuses. This infuriated the demon. I suddenly had some power over it.

The demon told me things would change, it could cooperate and provide me with what I want. I again told the demon that I was done, it had had it's chance and consistently blew it!

This confrontation has left me exhausted and drained. Even though I was well prepared, I don't think you are ever really prepared for the moment you confront your demons. Still, I know it's not over. I'll need the strength I've been praying for. I didn't need it for this confrontation as much as I will to stick to my guns and finish taking back my life. I've been in this very spot before and turned back; mainly because I was unsure of myself and I didn't know if I could trust my feelings. I'm very sure of myself now and I know the situation must change; because the demon won't.

What I believe God has asked me to do seems so contrary to the results I want. Certainly not the way I would get there. But I've taken my way before, and though I have eventually arrived at my destination, it hasn't always worked as I thought it would. This time I desperately want the results I've prayed for so fervently that I'm willing to put the path to those goals in His hands. I'm definately not enjoying the ride, and it seems to get harder with every passing moment, but I trust in Him that I will arrive at my destination not only intact, but better for having taken this route.

I have to fight every urge I have to do it my way and maybe that's the lesson I have to learn this time. Complete trust.

It doesn't matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop - Confucius

If you're going through hell...keep going! - Winston Churchill

Day after endless day I wade through what has become my life. I used to wait for something better. I know God will provide me with what I need. Waiting for Him to provide the final solution in one fell swoop is not right. I know I must take advantage of the opportunities God provides me with. That is how He provides. Not with the lottery, but with opportunity that I must take advantage of. His plans are all-encompassing while mine are often one-dimensional and short-sighted. I have to learn to recognize the opportunities when they arise, not after they pass; and learn to trust in Him and act accordingly.

These are lessons I had thought I learned, but no, I still struggle, and wade through life. Wading through the crap instead of stepping out of it. I suppose its a start. At least I recognize it where before I didn't. I used to think I was walking through a garden, only to find myself surrounded by quicksand. As I sink deeper, my desire to get out becomes greater. I can see the life I want and can sometimes touch it. It's within my grasp if I just trust Him enough to take care of the things that are out of my control and do what is right for me.

The whole of my life has taught me that what I have is what its all about and is as good as it gets. But I know there's more for me. And either I take it, or remain in misery. It's a scary leap into an unfamiliar place, but either I complain about it - or do something about it.

Haven't posted anything for a while, combination of being busy and too down to write.

I'm really trying to stay focused on making the changes in my life that I want to make. It's a lot harder than I thought, or maybe my lack of courage is just making it harder than it should be.

The behavior is so deeply ingrained in who I am that it's hard to make me into who I want to be. Sometimes I think I'm just too comfortable where I am to make any changes; that I'm good at burying the pain and moving on. That used to be true, but my landfill is overflowing now and I don't have any more room to bury anything! That is no longer an option for the new me, but the old me is having a hard time accepting that.

See, it's not only a struggle between me and the controlling, manipulative people in my life, but a real struggle within me. And since that's all I can control anyhow, that's where I need to focus. I've made progress in small ways with certain "easy" people or situations and when I do it feels so good to finally stick up for myself. I know in my heart the changes I want to make are good for me. I'm confident the conflict within me is not there because the change is not what I should be doing; it's just old (and I mean OLD) deeply rooted habits that have become destructive to who I am.

Some people are not supportive or don't understand and they continue to try and manipulate me, which hurts me and I don't think they know how much despite my telling them. Each little thing, that may seem insignificant in a healthy relationship, just brings me down and deepens my depression. I realize I have to escape from these people because they have been told and given a chance to change, and apparently can't.

For my own sake I have to get away, but the old me tells me that's incredibly selfish. To the old me, yeah it is. To the me that I want, it's not selfish to look out for yourself, but healthy. Seems obvious but that old me still isn't sure. I'm determined to get there and there's no turning back, I'm just a little impatient and scared.